STRIV!

Presentation 18:1 - 21

2006-07-09T16:15:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted. STRIV translation is after the work of Samantha Moss, discoverer of the original manuscript.

[18] 1 Then the first angel started his motorcycle on the land, and many of the crops withered in the field, 2 and a fifth of those who had taken the mark of the Beast and worshipped his image starved, for they had no food.

3 Then the second angel poured out a capful of bleach into the sea, and all of the coral reefs turned a brilliant white, 4 and a third of the fish in the seas died, and a third of the birds, and the smell of it reached to the land.

5 The third angel then washed a load of laundry in the low places, and the earth itself trembled and spewed forth fire, and the skies became dark. 6 Those who had taken refuge in the caves were crushed and badly burned, and few escaped, yet they continued to curse and blaspheme the Lord. Then I heard the angel in charge of the rocks say:

7 "The Lord is just in judgment,
and merciful also, for the people
have placed convenience and comfort
above the welfare of their fellow man.
8 Their hands have shed the blood
of the saints and prophets,
and the Holy One allows
them to drink blood, as they are vampires."

9 And the altar responded,

"Truly, O Lord, are your judgments
merciful and just! None is like unto you!"

10 Then the fourth angel appeared with a remote control, and pointed it at the sun, and the sun was given the power to scorch people with fire and boils, such that their skin was turning pale, and boils appeared in it. 11 The pain was so severe that the land was full of their screams, day and night, cursing the name of God, yet they refused to repent and glorify Him.

12 The fifth angel was given a blow dryer, and he pointed it at the glaciers and at the poles, and all the ice therein melted and ran into the oceans, so that floods consumed all the cities of the coasts, 13 and the great buildings the people had built in worship of the Beast were consumed by the waters and became rubble under the ocean, and many perished. 14 All of the islands fled their continents, and the autumn storms strengthened and crushed the temples to sand.

15 The sixth angel appeared upon the earth with a vacuum cleaner, and ran it back and forth over the land until all of the soil had blown away into the air and been deposited upon the ocean, so the land was infertile and hard, and could no longer be worked by oxen or farmed for food, and a third of the land became desert. 16 This was done to prepare the way for the kings from the Southeast. 17 And then three wicked spirits like spiders came out of the mouth of the Beast, the dragon, and the false prophet, and they roamed the earth consuming the petroleum, the ores, and the timber, gathering them for the great battle against the Almighty.

18 The seventh angel tipped his salt shaker upon the land, and all of the fresh water dried up, and I heard a voice, saying, "Let the battle commence! Let the blasphemies of the Beast be returned to him tenfold!" 19 And all the armies of the Earth were gathered together, and slaughtered one another with swords and tanks, missiles and planes, and they cursed God, and all of the men of the earth perished.

20 Then the agent said, "I am awed by the power of the Lord; no act compares. What does he call it?"

21 And the Lord answered him, saying "The Aristocrats."

Chad 15:1 - 10 (STRIV)

2006-06-03T15:19:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[15] 1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked him, "Who will be greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?"

2 Jesus called a wealthy man and had him stand before the disciples. And he said to them, 3 "I tell you truly, unless you are well-groomed and mild in your public impulses, you will not enter into the Kingdom of God. 4 Therefore, whoever exalts himself tastefully, like this one, will be the greatest in Heaven, as it is on earth.

5 "Whoever bars passage to the poor, the uncouth, or the unhygenic in my name honors me. 6 But if anyone allows the irritating ones to pass, it would be better for him to go to McDonalds and eat french fries with his fingers.

7 "For the Kingdom of Heaven is like a gated community, where everyone is of the same race and income bracket, and everyone votes Publican. 8 No tastelessness shall be found in it; 9 no bright colors or nontraditional behavior, no questioning of assumptions nor emotion. 10 Therefore conform on earth, that you may honor your Father in Heaven."

Phyllis 3:21 - 23 (STRIV)

2006-04-28T10:30:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

21 The earth sways like a drunk sorority girl;
the kings and princes of mankind
22 ply her with tequila shots
because they hope to see her topless.
23 "Men have needs," they say.

Nick 6:17 - 29 (STRIV)

2005-10-06T17:48:00.000-05:00

17 Then he went down with them to a level place. A large number of his disciples were gathered around him, as well as many people from all over the country, who had come to hear him. 18 Other people in the crowd were pushing their way in toward him and trying to touch his garment, that they might be healed of their infirmities, for such was the power coming from him.

19 Looking at the crowd gathered around him, he said:

20 "Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. May God bless America!
21 Blessed are you who hunger, for you will be satisfied. May God bless America!
22 Blessed are you who weep, for you will be consoled. May God bless America!23 Blessed are you when men attack you and speak evil of you for my sake. May God bless America!"

24 Then he continued, saying,

"But woe to you who are rich, for you have already been comforted.
25 Woe to you who are well-fed now, for you will go hungry.
26 Woe to those who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep.
27 Woe to you when all men speak highly of you,
for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets."

28 At this, the Pharisees grumbled against him, saying, "Jesus is not a patriotic man; he wishes ill upon his own country and stirs up the people to rebellion." 29 And they looked for a way to kill him.

Democrats 16:1 - 23 (STRIV)

2005-09-11T11:31:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[16] 1 Oh, God, the Republicans have defiled your holy temple,
they have reduced the social safety net to rubble,
they squander our inheritance on self-promotion.
2 The dead bodies of your servants litter the ground,
rot in water, slip into the country under cover of night,
unphotographed, undocumented, unknown but to their families.
3 The Republicans pour our blood out like water,
leave us exposed, unprotected, objects of derision
by our neighbors, pitied and scorned, reviled and friendless.
4 They leave our bodies for the birds of the air to eat;
the stench is unendurable; no one can stand to bury them.

5 Will you be angry forever, O LORD?
How desperate must our situation get?

6 We would prefer our sons to live among us,
instead of dying in a strange land,
7 we would rather our daughters lived
instead of starving from lack of aid.
8 Our mothers die in their own filth,
waiting for rescue which does not come;
9 those charged with our protection
herd us into camps, shoot at us, abandon us
in our time of greatest need.

10 We have surely done nothing to deserve this, O LORD.
If you turn your back, how can we continue?

11 There are none to hold him accountable; the king
is subject to none but the LORD. 12 We die of thirst
in the streets, arms extended, begging for water;
13 he cuts himself a slice of cake, and picks up the lyre,
a smile on his face. He says, "What didn't go right?"
14 He is well-rested and tanned; he has water to drink
and food to eat; his wives have beautiful new shoes.

15 Will you not punish the arrogant, O LORD?
Are not his boasts offensive to you?

16 LORD, heed the groans of the prisoners, awaken
to the tears of the widows. 17 Expose their mendacity
before the world, so that there will be no one left to say,
"I am a Republican," lest they devour your people.
18 Then we will say, "The LORD is truly almighty and just."

19 Have mercy on us, your desperate ones, O LORD.
Do not abandon us. Remember your promises to your people.

20 Remove the proud ones, LORD; restore what has been taken
from us. 21 Destroy those who enabled their ascent to power;
cause them to suffer as we, your people, have suffered.

22 If the LORD ignores us, who can be for us?
If the LORD forgets his people, who can remember them?

23 Bring justice, O LORD. Let your anger against us cool, lest we perish.

Bushes 30:1 – 32:3 (STRIV)

2005-09-11T08:53:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[30] 1 The LORD then said to Georgewalker, "Go therefore to California, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation. Take with you your business contacts, and seven of every kind of secret service agent, that your days might be long upon the earth, and two of every kind of senior citizen, and speak to them about Medicare. 2 For in three days I will send rain upon the earth for three days and three nights, and I will wipe from the Gulf Coast every living creature I have made."

3 And Georgewalker did all that the LORD commanded him.

4 Georgewalker was fifty and nine years old when the floodwaters came on the earth. 5 And Georgewalker and his wife, Laura, and his daughters, Jenna and Notjenna, went with him to California to escape the waters of the flood, but his second wife, Condoleeza, was disobedient to him and went instead to New York. 6 And all of Georgewalker's business contacts, and pairs of secret service agents, and pairs of pre-screened Republican senior citizens, entered the ark, as God had commanded Georgewalker. 7 And after the three days the floodwaters came upon the Gulf Coast.

8 In the fifty-ninth year of Georgewalker's life, on the twenty-ninth day of the eighth month – on that day all of the waters of the great deep sprung forth, and the shield of the sky was ripped open, and the very ground rose up to meet the waters, and rain fell upon the Gulf Coast for three days and three nights, and every living thing on in the city of Nuorlans perished – birds, livestock, wild animals, pets, all of the creatures that move over the earth, and mankind. 9 Everything on dry land which had breath in its nostrils died. 10 Every green plant was torn from the ground by the waves. And only Georgewalker was left, and those with him in California.

11 The waters covered the Gulf Coast for a hundred and fifty days.

[31] 1 But God remembered Georgewalker and all the senior citizens and secret service agents and other white people who were with him, and he sent the sun upon the earth, and the waters receded. 2 Now the shield of the sky was restored, and the waters of the great deep returned to their rightful place, and at the end of the hundred and fifty days the water had gone down. 3 And after this time Georgewalker went to the Gulf Coast to see the destruction which the LORD had wrought, at a safe distance.

4 And the LORD said to Georgewalker, "Go, and meet with those who had escaped the flooding, and speak to one another of rebuilding, and of buying the land from the few men and women who survived with eminent domain checks, and of turning the whole of the Gulf Coast into a massive city, with high gates and many wealthy white people and senior citizens. 5 And I command you to use the areas not suitable for the senior citizens or their children or their children's children or their livestock to house their slaves."

6 So Georgewalker did as the LORD commanded, together with his wife, Laura, and his daughters, Jenna and Notjenna, and their senior citizens and their secret service agents, one after the other. 7 And his second wife, Condoleeza, returned to him. And Georgewalker built an altar there to the LORD and, taking the one named Brownie, sacrificed him as a burnt offering on it. 8 The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart, "Never again will I curse the ground because there are poor people on it, for it takes too long to dry up. 9 And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done, because that is wasteful."

[32] 1 Then God blessed Georgewalker and his family, saying to them, "Go, and be fruitful and multiply; increase in number and wealth until you rule the earth and everything upon it. 2 The fear and dread of you will come upon all of the beasts of the earth and air, and upon all the fish of the sea, and any men who remain in distant places; they are given into your hands. 3 Everything that lives and moves shall create profit for you. Just as I gave you America, now I give you everything."

Nick 13:14 - 31 (STRIV)

2005-09-04T11:04:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

14 Then Jesus and his disciples went up to Capernaum, and Jesus taught there for three days, healing the sick who were brought to him and teaching the crowds. 15 On the Sabbath, he was teaching in one of the synagogues, and a drag queen was there who had had a lame drag show for five years. 16 When Jesus saw her, he said, "Go, your sins are forgiven." 17 And the Pharisees and teachers of the law began to talk among themselves, saying, "Who is this man who speaks blasphemy? Who but God alone can forgive sins?"

18 Jesus knew what they were thinking, and asked them, "Why are you thinking these things in your hearts? What is easier to say, 'Your sins are forgiven," or "Your show is healed; rise up and perform?" 19 But so you may know that the Son of Man has the authority to forgive sins," speaking to the drag queen, "I tell you, stand up, put on your wig, and perform." 20 And immediately she stood up in front of them, and began to give thanks to God, and variously colored lights shone on her face, and loud music began to play without any musicians playing it. 21 And a group of lepers who were nearby began to dance behind her as she sang a song of praise to God:

22 "Begin the music,
strike the tamborine,
play the harp and lyre.
23 Is all of Capernaum ready to worship?
24 Lift the flute of Christ to your lips, my brethren;
shout before the one who rides upon an ass.
Hosanna!^a Hosanna!

25 Though many come against him,
Christ stands firm; he has given me
the gift of tongues^b."

26 Some of the disciples were alarmed, and said to Jesus, "Look, she blasphemes you. Would it not be better for us to send her away?"

27 And Jesus replied, "Two men owed money to a moneylender. The first had borrowed three hundred copper coins, and the second had borrowed three gold ones. 28 They worked and toiled to earn the money to pay back their debt, and each paid the moneylender three gold coins (which was an equivalent amount). Should the moneylender be angry about lending copper and getting gold in return?"

29 The disciples answered, "No, for the amount is the same; only the physical form is different."

30 Jesus said to them, "So it is with the drag queen. Truly, I say to you, her debt is paid this day." 31 But the disciples did not know what he meant.

^a 24 an expression meaning "Save!" which became an exclamation of praise
^b 25 some manuscripts: I have given him the gift of tongues.

Ernesto 2:1 - 21 (STRIV)

2005-09-03T08:22:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[2] 1 Then the Spirit came into me and raised me to my feet, saying, "Go, son of man, and pour a glass of water for yourself, and then pour gasoline into the glass so that it overflows. 2 Then build for yourself a stand and a chair, and sit in the center of the town and call in a loud voice, crying, 'Water, fifty shekels^a of silver for a hin^b."

3 Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says: you have given the very water of the land over to false idols, the corporations, saying, "Without the corporations, there will be no jobs, and we shall surely perish, therefore let us grant them all the privileges they desire." 4 Foolish ones! Can your corporations show you how to live without water? Therefore I will surely abandon you to your idols, and your sons and daughters' throats will burn all the days of their lives, that you might repent of your foolishness and return once again to me. 5 Yet there will be some who have not strayed; them I will give the secret wells of the wilderness, those with the sweetest and clearest water.

6 The word of the LORD came again to me, saying, "Son of man, make the forms of animals from wet clay, camel and goat, sheep and grasshopper, but do not bake the clay, and when you have finished, use your thumb and forefinger to pull the animals into different shapes, stretching and compressing until they no longer resemble animals. 7 Then fire the clay and take it into town and throw the figures against the buildings until they shatter, and sweep up the pieces with a broom."

8 For this is what the LORD says: the skies will catch fire, a fire brighter than the sun. 9 The very buildings will burn, and the ashes will be a curse on you and your land for eternity; your children will be born disfigured, monstrous; your livestock will have tumors and weaknesses of all kind. 10 No amount of washing will remove the ashes; no rain will wash it away; the very air itself will be corrupted. 11 Your hair will fall out, and boils will appear on your skin: you will go to the water for relief, but there will be none save death. And some will be without boils, yet these will starve. 12 For I am done with you, says the LORD. I will wipe you from the earth forever, and blot out your memory from the annals of the world: I will destroy you and your works and then sweep the land clean.

13 Then the Most High LORD took me to a high point, and gave me a trumpet. 14 And he said, "Son of man, blow the trumpet, and call the people together for battle; sound the call to war." So I blew on the trumpet, and called the people to war, yet none of them appeared. 15 "Maybe you did not blow on the trumpet loudly enough," said the LORD. "Try it again." 16 So I blew on the trumpet a second time, and then a third and a fourth, yet still no one appeared.

17 Then the LORD took my staff and planted it in the ground, where it put forth leaves and new branches, and became a tree ten times taller than a man, bearing every kind of fruit, and the birds of the air gathered in its branches and built nests for themselves there. 18 I asked the LORD, "What does this mean?" And the LORD said, "There will come a day when no one heeds the call to war, when no man responds to the summons and none will lift his hand against another. 19 In that time, all swords will be like water, and arrows shot against another man will turn to loaves of bread. 20 Your staff represents the law I have given you, which you cannot follow; I will dispose of it, and a new creation will displace you, one which needs no law."

21 "When will this come to pass?" I asked the LORD. But he did not answer.

^a2 That is, about 20 ounces (0.5 kilogram)
^b2 That is, about 4 quarts (about 3.6 liters)

Song of Soccer Mom 3:1 - 18 (STRIV)

2005-09-02T08:59:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[3] 1 All night long I looked for the one I desire;
I sought him out, yet did not find him.
2 I went about in the city, to the meeting-places;
I sought my lover in public.
3 I said to myself, "If only I had my lover with me!
4 Then I should have no fear of the strange men
who come and go around me, 5 whose
eyes pass over me as I walk, 6 for my lover
is strong like ten men, and would protect me."

7 I asked the maidens, "Have you seen my lover?"
They replied, "Perhaps he is in a meeting;"
They said, "Maybe he has stopped off for beer with his friends."

8 I asked the bartenders, "Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
They replied, "Perhaps he is at the hospital;"
They said, "Maybe he is watching a sporting event."

9 I asked the policemen, "Have you seen my flawless one?"
They replied, "Perhaps he is feeding ducks at the fountain;"
They said, "Maybe he has another lover."

10 How delightful it is when a lost one is found!
How precious to see one who had been lost!
11 I found my lover at the convenience store,
buying milk for the children: 12 I held him
and would not let him go; we were as teenagers
on a first date; 13 I could not make my eyes
look away from him.

14 My lover and I went to the park near our house;
we walked to the public garden where we met.
15 The plants were in bloom; their fragrance was heady;
the choicest plants around us.
16 Holly and sycamores,
sycamores and tulips,
17 tulips and chrysanthemums,
chrysanthemums and pampas grass.

18 Daughters of Minneapolis, heed me,
take care not to arouse or awaken love
unless the children are already in bed for the night.

Bushes 35:16 - 21 (STRIV)

2005-09-02T08:14:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

16 His daughter, Jenna, the wife of Francisco, was pregnant and near the time of delivery. A messenger arrived to tell her, "Your father has been deposed as king, and there are even now bands of men roaming the countryside, seeking to eliminate his family from the earth," and she was afraid.

17 "Where can I go?" asked Jenna, "What place is safe for me?" And the messenger replied, 18 "I know of a place, not far from here, but you will have to travel on foot, and wear these rags as a disguise, lest your enemies recognize you."

19 So Jenna put on the rags, and they walked through the brush together, to a small house, where the messenger, whose name was Amminadab, made Jenna comfortable. 20 But when they arrived, she was overcome by fatigue, and went into labor and gave birth, but her labor pains were too great. As she was dying, the messenger's wife, who was attending her, told her, "Take heart; you have given birth to a son."

21 Jenna named her son Ichabod,^a, saying, "The glory has left my family; now we will be subject to the law like anyone else," and then she died and was buried at Kidron-Habesh, in a pauper's cemetery, without a marker.

^a21 Ichabod means no glory.

II Evangelicals 16:7 - 25 (STRIV)

2005-08-30T09:31:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

7 It is reported to me that there is pride among you about the treatment you have received at the hands of the Romans. 8 You say, "Jesus Christ told us that we would be persecuted in his name, and we are being persecuted, therefore we must be doing his work." 9 And you take pains to exaggerate the resistance you encounter, and foolishly undertake plans which have nothing to do with spreading the Good News to your countrymen. 10 Word has it that some of you are even campaigning to become officials of the Roman government!

11 Shouldn't you rather be filled with grief that, instead of being seen as honorable citizens, you are seen as criminals and politicians? 12 I implore you to use the discernment which comes from the Holy Spirit, and remember your calling. 13 For your mission is not to enforce the morality of the Lord through the state, but to make it appealing, through your behavior and by your example. 14 As Jesus instructed us to love one another, and to love our neighbors, so too do I instruct you to express your faith through your love, for surely no good can come of tainting your faith with the compromises inherent in politics. 15 Let Caesar govern what is Caesar's, while you govern your own flesh.

16 Yet some of you will say, "But how then shall we be persecuted for Jesus' sake?" 17 Foolish ones! Persecution is not a badge, that you might display it upon your clothing and be honored for your suffering! 18 Our Lord did not save you so that you might be proud of suffering for him; rather, you are to share the Good News with others. 19 Have you forgotten so soon everything that he taught you? How can you spread his word if you are martyrs? 20 As it is written, "It is better to be a live rabbit than to be a dead eagle."^a 21 To place yourselves in harm's way deliberately, to argue with your neighbors, to attempt to use the state to impose the law of God on others, will only lead others to rebel against God's law: 22 you may as well do as the heathens do, and blow yourself up with explosives. 23 For what can a corpse do to reveal the love of God? What speech does a dead body have?

24 Therefore I implore you to desist from your political efforts, and reclaim some humility in the face of God, while you may still turn back. 25 For the Lord will not work through the proud or undiscerning.

^a 20 Plat. 3:5

Affirmations 3:1 - 20 (STRIV)

2005-08-29T09:08:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[3] 1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for all things under Heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to rejoice over birth,
a time to plant and a time to water,
3 a time to heal and a time to recover,
a time to build and a time to assemble,
4 a time to laugh and a time to giggle,
a time to dance and a time to be drunk,
5 a time to feel good and a time to feel even better,
a time to love and a time to embrace,
6 a time to compliment others and a time to receive compliments.

7 What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the workmen at the end of the day, tired, yet proud of their achievements, proud of the labor they put into their work, 8 and rejoicing in the opportunity to be employed. 9 For God has made everything beautiful in its own time, and all people are in their appointed stations. 10 Work is a delight in itself, and overcoming obstacles causes us all, rich or poor, free or slave, to develop our sense of self-worth. 11 There is nothing better than for a man to be joyful while working to serve his master.

12 Then I turned my thoughts to wisdom,
and also decoration and leisure,
13 which is a very good thing.^a
14 No home, I saw, is beyond the need
for decoration and cleaning,
and no dwelling is perfectly painted.
15 Just as light is better than darkness,
so too is expensive cheese and wine
better than cheap.

16 "Am I wise?" I asked myself.
And the answer came: "Yes, you are most wise,
17 you are beautiful, you attract positive energy
to yourself all day long, 18 and
when you sleep, your problems melt away.
19 No obstacle comes against you which cannot be overcome,
and you learn from all adversity which comes against you.
20 People find you attractive, and good company,
and you know all that you need to know."

^a 13 Some mss.: and that's a very good thing.

Chad 11:1 - 8 (STRIV)

2005-08-29T09:06:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[11] 1 Then the disciples came to Jesus, asking him, "Teacher, how should we pray?"

2 And Jesus responded to them, "When you pray, you ought to say:

3 "'Father, who resides in Heaven,
blessings on your name.
4 Watch us today earn our daily bread,
we who are your followers and therefore sinless.
5 Punish those who transgress against us, and
strengthen our hands to torture those who do not worship you.
6 And lead us not into temptation,
but ignore it if we sin anyway,
7 for we cannot bear witness for you if we are embarrassed.^a
8 For thine is the nation, and the power, and the glory,
Forever and ever. Amen.'"

^a7 Some mss. do not contain verse 7.

Ernesto 1:1 - 34 (STRIV)

2005-08-28T10:11:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[1] 1 The words of Ernesto, son of Juan. A vision concerning the people of the LORD during the reigns of Ronald, George, Bill, and Georgewalker, kings of America.

2 Then the LORD spoke to me, saying, "Ernesto! Arise, and take down the words I am about to speak to you." 3 And the angel of the LORD appeared before me, and said, "Behold, I have the word of the LORD, which you are to deliver to the people of America, that they might know that I am God." 4 And I was much afraid, and fell upon my face, saying, "But, LORD, I am not a wise man, that anyone should listen to me, nor am I eloquent of speech. 5 Send someone else, for I will certainly fail you."

6 And the angel of the LORD struck me on the cheek, and said, "Tempt not the LORD to anger! 7 He has declared you worthy to bear his message; therefore you will bear it. 8 He will make you able; you shall not fail. 9 His words will be upon your lips; his voice shall issue from your throat."

10 And these were the words of the LORD:

11 America drives her Hummer,
America has the beauty of a dream.
12 I know her landscapes, my hands
shaped her mountains and
formed her seas and rivers.

13 Yet she is unfaithful: America
will not cleave to her LORD;
14 she prefers the gods of the heathens,
the green paper gods,
the cathode ray gods,
the gods of inflated pig's bladders.
15 America laughs at me; she says,
16 "The LORD is old-fashioned;
his ways are not mine; he is unattractive
to me, I will spurn him."

17 My righteous rage boils against her.

18 Give unto me all your dedication, America;
give unto me all of your precious things.
19 I require your devotion and your obedience,
lest I cast you away from me,
into the hands of the communists and the terrorists^a,
20 lest I wipe your land from the earth
and mourn for your people.

21 America did tremble;
her people cried out in a loud voice,
22 "LORD, have mercy upon us!"
Yet I held to the instrument of my wrath.
23 She cried, "I will obey you, LORD,
you alone will I worship. I will
rid myself of my false idols."
24 And I replied, "Of all the peoples
in the world, only you are my chosen ones,
only you can be the instrument of my will
on the earth, 25 and bring about my plans
for the end of time. 26 Yet you refuse to
give yourself over wholly; I desire
your obedience but you withhold it from me."

27 And my righteous rage boiled against her.

28 Give unto me all your dedication, America;
give unto me all of your precious things.
29 Cast away your precious laws, your ideals,
lest I smite thee with your enemies the communists,
30 lest I allow the terrorists to enter^b your cities,
lest I wipe your land from the earth
and mourn for your people.

31 Yet I caused America's heart to be softened toward me;
America now loves me with her full dedication.
32 "Even the LORD is not loved automatically;
even he must threaten his children with annihilation,
yet he is a loving father who provides for them."^c
33 All require love, from the lowliest slave
to the almighty creator of mankind.

34 Yet my righteous rage boiled against her.

^aSome ms.: feminists
^bSome ms.: infiltrate; Septaguint seep into
^cSee also Gloria 2:12-13.

Presentation 7:1 - 8:23 (STRIV)

2005-08-19T13:25:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[7] 1 After this a great sight appeared in the heavens.
2 I saw a despicable beast, with seven heads and ten jowls, seated on a high throne, clothed in the finest gold and silver, 3 and all around him were lesser beasts in a circle, praising his name. 4 Each of the lesser beasts had the face of an animal of the field: some were like unto sheep, and some were like unto oxen, and there were many others besides, each of its own kind. 5 The lesser beasts were covered in eyes, yet the eyes were closed, and they had each one a bottle which was like wine, yet it was not wine, and they drank from them continually.

6 The beast on the throne proclaimed, "The LORD has abandoned us because we give shelter to feminazis." 7 And all the lesser beasts sang in a loud voice, "Dittos."

8 Then the beast on the throne proclaimed, "We must close our borders against the immigrants, lest there be famine in the land," 9 and all the lesser beasts cried out, "Dittos."

10 Then the beast on the throne proclaimed, "The LORD brings poverty to the poor, and riches to the wealthy, and he will surely destroy any who take from the rich or give to the poor." 11 And the lesser beasts answered him, "Dittos, dittos, megadittos in the highest."

12 Then the lesser beasts prostrated themselves before the throne, singing,

13 "None other is like unto thee,
none other has the wisdom of the LORD.
14 You are worthy to receive
dittoes, dittoes, and megadittoes,
forever and ever, 15 for the LORD speaks
through you. 16 Surely those who
revere your name will be preserved
forever and ever, even guarded
from that fire which is to come."

17 And then the angel of the LORD who was with me said, "Go and measure the circumference of the throne of the beast," and I was given a measuring rod. 18 And I went to measure the circumference, yet I never reached the end, for the end of the throne was always just beyond my arms. 19 And I said to the angel, "The throne is too large; I am unable to measure it," 20 but the angel of the LORD said, "Even so, the LORD will blot it out forever; no trace of it will remain."

[8] 1 After this I saw a large city with a single gate, guarded by a great warrior, yet the city was empty, its market silent, and the warrior had an unfamiliar name inscribed in the wall above him. 2 And I asked the angel who was with me the meaning of the vision, and he said, 3 "The great city before you had many gates, and one by one, the people sold their gates to the warriors of other lands, 4 and their gates were fused together and closed, sold and abandoned and traded, 5 until no one could enter or exit the town, and all who were in it starved, and the name of the town is Monopoly."

6 Then I was taken to a lake, where a man was in a boat fishing, and there were many fish in the boat, yet the man continued. 7 And I asked the angel of the LORD why the man continued to fish when he had many fish in the boat. 8 The angel of the LORD said, "Let the fish be revealed," and I saw that the fish the man had caught were of an inedible kind, and also they were all about an eighth of a reshash^a in length. 9 "Where are the other fish?" I asked the angel who was with me, and he replied, 10 "The others all consumed one another, and only this kind, because it is poisonous, was left in the lake."

^a That is, about one inch (2.5 cm)

Phyllis 2:1-25 (STRIV)

2005-08-12T13:33:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

1 Then the prophetess Phyllis proclaimed, in the name of the LORD,

2 "We have heard of a chariot,
full of the swords of the kingdom,
3 with bridled horses and
an unobstructed path before it.
4 We have heard of the place where
many are buried, near the travelers' wells,
in the wilderness. 5 The soldiers
outside the city talk to one another;
their horses, near starving, are restless.
6 The men talk in loud, boasting tones;
they are never silent.

7 "This is no place for festivity;
this is no place for new wine.
8 This is no place for light-heartedness
or for dancing; 9 the men and the women
share no beds.

10 "Angels of the LORD, deliver him my message!
LORD, heed the call of your people and respond!
11 Our enemies surround us; we are in grave danger.
Whose people are we to be? To which god do we
belong? 12 On the hillside, the chariots gather,
more soldiers arrayed against the city of the LORD.
13 I cover my windows against the sun;
Moonlight guides my feet as I work.

14 "This is no place for festivity;
this is no place for new wine.
15 This is no place for light-heartedness
or for dancing; 16 the markets are silent,
the temples empty.

17 "We have heard of the terrors in Canaan;
messengers from Gilead have reached us.
18 Do you know, LORD, of the terrors in
Bethel? Here we may not even venture
by the city walls, lest our enemies see us.
19 Our stores of grain are depleted;
our oil and flour will not see a third sunrise.
20 The musicians are silent; their harps
and flutes decay, and no one sings.

21 "What use is it to plan for the future?
What purpose to raise children?
22 Nothing can be the same for us.
No messages can reach other cities;
no one can come to our aid but the LORD.

23 "This is no place for festivity;
this is no place for new wine.
24 This is no place for light-heartedness
or for dancing; 25 my husband holds no
charms for me."

Platitudes 18:5-7 (STRIV)

2005-07-21T15:35:00.000-05:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

5 There are eight roads which lead to an altered reality;
Yea, even seven and one routes to a unique perspective:

6 Be very wealthy;
Be very intoxicated;
Be very crazy^a;
Be very beautiful;
7 Be very talented;
Be very foolish;
Be very powerful;
Be very wise.

8 Intellect walks the streets in net stockings,
calling in a loud voice,
9 "Anybody want to party? Do you
like to party? I like to party,"
10 and the women of the village close their curtains.
Her lovers come to her, and she says,
11 "Baby why you so mean to me?
I just need a shekel's worth,
12 just for tonight, you know I'm good
for it, just tonight, half a shekel,
13 I'll invent the stats in the morning,
I'll write that new ad with breakfast."
14 And when she falls ill, even the dogs
will not lick her sores; even the nuns
15 pull back their hands.

^aSome manuscripts: religious.

Patriot 1:6-15 (STRIV)

2005-03-20T02:15:00.000-06:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

6 One day the angels came to present themselves before the Republican Party, and Satan came in with them. 7 The Republicans said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"

8 Satan answered the Party, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."

9 Then the Republicans said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Patriot? There is none on earth like him; 10 he is blameless, faithful in voting, blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns bleeding-heart liberalism."

11 "Does Patriot serve you for nothing?" Satan replied. "Is there not a gate around him and his household and everything he has? 12 He earns a living wage; his employment is secure; his nation is at peace; if wrongfully terminated or injured, he could sue his employer. 13 He has health insurance, and Social Security; he is empowered to file for bankruptcy; his water is clean, as is his air. 14 But stretch out your hand and withdraw from him these protections, and surely he will curse you to your face."

15 The Republicans said to Satan, "Very well, then, yet on the man himself I shall not lay a finger." Then Satan went out from the presence of the Republicans.

Song of Soccer Mom 2:15-24 (STRIV)

2005-03-20T02:05:00.000-06:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

15 Strengthen me with wine,
refresh me with Zoloft,
for I am faint with love.
16 His left arm is under my head,
and his belly embraces me.
17 Daughters of Minneapolis, heed me,
do not arouse or awaken love
unless the children are at their grandparents'.

18 Look! It is my lover!
Here he comes,
19 Commuting, bounding through
slow-moving traffic, leaping
past highway patrolmen!
20 My lover is like a squirrel or a young dog.
Look! There he stands beyond our privacy fence,
gazing into the mailbox, peering at the crabgrass.
21 My lover says to me,
"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one,
and come with me.
22 See, the children are at practice,
and I have rented a porno."

23 Strengthened by Viagra, by espresso,
all day he pursues me, like a feral cat stalking
a bird through the hedges.
24 Daughters of Minneapolis, heed me,
take care not to arouse or awaken love
unless the children are in extracurricular activities.

Democrats 7:1-23 (STRIV)

2004-12-15T22:50:00.000-06:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[1] 1 Not for my sake, O LORD, but for thine,
not for my glory, but for thine, Almighty God!
2 I am imprisoned without walls; yea,
I am a captive without chains.
3 Why does the LORD withhold His salvation?

4 Mine enemies sit in the palaces they have built,
and scheme ways to steal from the people.
5 They say, "The LORD will not save him, for
we do the LORD's will – it is right for us to
6 rob the Temple, to execute the people, to
do battle and take faraway lands for our own plunder.
7 The LORD has chosen us, for we are righteous,
we alone follow His laws." Is it so?
8 O God, is it so?

Where are the prophets of times past?
9 Where are the ones who would stand against treachery,
who would defend the poor, the widows?
10 Who speaks for the young men and women
before they enter battle, when they have not
yet run beside the chariots of war?
11 Who taxes the peasants, then takes from them a second time?
Who removes bread from the pregnant woman's mouth?

12 Their idols are of paper and plastic, that burn up
in the fire, of gold and silver, that rust and melt.
13 Their idols are of wood and stone, ash and sand.

14 This is the way of the Republican: he slaughters
and cooks a lamb from his neighbor's field,
15 eats it and drinks wine with his wives,
shares with his friends, then says, "I am a vegetarian."

16 Rise then up, O LORD, and bring a holy opposition;
call up leaders who will shine light on lies.
17 Restore the economy, while some righteous yet live;
let the nations mock us no longer.
18 Shall we repent in sackcloth, ashes on our heads,
for more years? Shall your anger against us never be sated?

19 It cannot be so.
For the LORD is righteous, and hears the cries
of His people. The LORD is merciful, and will
not cause them to suffer a day past what is required.
20 The heavens, even deepest space, are the LORD's,
yet earth has been given to man.

21 O Democratic Party, trust in the LORD;
He will be thy help and thy shield.
22 Almighty God will bring the wicked to justice,
yea, even Al-Queda shall not escape.
23 The dead praise Him not, therefore the living
shall praise Him: I shall yet trust in the LORD.

Presentation 5:15-6:12 (STRIV)

2004-12-15T11:37:00.000-06:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

15 And I turned, and saw five beasts, with the faces of women, and the bodies of foxes, and tails like unto a peacock's tail. 16 Their wings were as knives, and their bodies were covered all over in eyes, yet the eyes were closed. 17 The beasts were large as several houses, and their dung was white like the clouds, 18 and drifted above the ground, yet the grass was scorched beneath. 19 And I asked the angel who was with me, "What creatures are these?"

20 The angel said to me, "These are the media, which the LORD has given to control the Earth, but only for a time, times and half a time." 21 And he knelt down to pick up the beasts' dung, and commanded me to eat it, saying, 22 it will fill thy mouth to overflowing, yet when you have eaten, your stomach will be emptier than before. 23 And I took of the dung, and ate, and it filled my mouth, 24 yet when I had swallowed, my stomach was left empty.

25 As we watched, the beasts began to sing praises to the Beast, each echoing the words of the one before. 26 And they ran toward one another, ever faster, so that they moved in a circle, 27 and the earth shook with the sounds of their feet. 28 As they approached one another closer, the head of each was swallowed up by the hindquarters of the one before it, and was absorbed, 29 leaving a beast in the form of a ring, with twenty feet, yet without tails nor heads, and the noise was as many armies.

[6] 1 Then three new beasts appeared on the horizon, the first like a wolf, blue as the sky, and with a crown of fifteen gold stars. 2 The second was as a scarlet lion, banded in black stripes, and it wore a crown of five gold stars. 3 The third was as a bear, white as the sun, and its crown was also of fifteen stars. And these three watched as an eagle flew overhead, which was gold, but its head white as snow, and crowned in fifty gold stars. 4 The eagle descended from the heavens, and as it did so it plucked with its beak at its wings, so that it tore out its feathers as it fell, and the more feathers it plucked from itself, the faster it descended, and the faster it descended, the more hurriedly it plucked from itself. 5 Then the Host of Heaven appeared, singing,

6 Woe! Woe unto the fearful!
Woe to the ignorant!
7 Holy, holy, holy, is the LORD,
Who reproves the deceitful,
8 and corrects the path
of the unrighteous!

9 And the eagle, denuded of all its feathers, struck the earth with a terrible sound, and the other beasts set upon it and devoured it, tearing it flesh from flesh, 10 and the bear consumed the head, and the lion the entrails, and the wolf ate the bones and skin, until nothing remained of the eagle, and the stars in its crown were scattered to the winds.

11 I asked the angel who was with me, "What does all this mean?" And the angel replied, "It is a sign of what is to come. 12 Be ye therefore watchful, and take heed of the signs, that you are not taken by surprise."

Democrats 2:1-22 (STRIV)

2004-12-11T20:20:00.000-06:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[2] 1 Lord, how those arrayed against me increase,
and the traps set for me multiply!
2 Many say of me, there is no help for him,
the LORD has abandoned him.
3 Preserve my party, oh Lord! Give ear to my prayer,
and do not fail me, for thou alone art great,
4 and do wondrous things, thou art God alone.

5 My enemies outnumber me on every battlefield,
the House, the Senate, the Supreme Court,
6 they appoint judges to imprison my constituency.
7 Take heed, O Lord, hear my cry!
8 Bolster Roe^a, fortify the Constitution,
rise up and smite my enemies with their own swords,
9 for I walk in thy truth, and praise thee
with all my heart.

10 Have mercy, O Lord, and rescue my people!
11 My path is strewn with traps, and is without light.
12 Bring my enemies to justice, expose the
machinations of Tom DeLay, uncover the ignorance
of George, lest there be a draft.

13 Most of all, give thy strength to thy servant,
that I might stand against the proud and violent
ones who desire my soul, knowing thou art with me.
14 Let me find a moral position which will be approved
by at least fifty-one percent of the people.
15 For thou art compassionate
and wise, and worthy of praise, and abundant in
grace and truth. Selah.

16 I cry out to you,
O Lord, for charismatic candidates, and a
slightly less biased media, 17 that all nations might
join me in worshiping you, that all might say,
18 "See, the LORD notices the plight of those who serve
him, and brings the evil ones to justice!"
19 Teach me thy ways, that they who hate me may see,
and feel shame at their conduct, before my people
are all poisoned, drafted, or imprisoned,
20 their jobs sent to the East.

21 I know that only thou can help me, O Lord.
No other God is like you. Rise up! Why do you sleep!
22 Rise up and raise your armies, your journalists,
that I might praise your name.

^aSome manuscripts: Roe v. Wade.

II Corporations 3:5 (STRIV)

2004-12-11T19:23:00.000-06:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

5 And K-Mart filed for bankruptcy, having begat Martha Stewart, Inc., and was buried. And in all the generations of K-Mart were 165 years.

Hypothesis 1:1-27 (STRIV)

2004-12-10T06:05:00.000-06:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

[1] 1 In the beginning, God created the market. 2 And the market was without form, and void, and neither buying nor selling, debt nor credit, did exist.

3 And God said, "Let there be language," and there was language. And man could talk, 4 and could negotiate prices and exchange livestock. And God looked upon language and saw that it was good.

5 And the morning and evening were the first day.

6 On the second day, God said, "Let there be writing," and there was writing. 7 And men could record transactions, and keep records of debts. 8 And God looked upon writing and saw that it was good.

9 And there was morning and evening, a day.

10 On the third day, God said, "Let there be debt," and there was debt. 11 And God saw the debt, that it was good, and he divided commerce into debtors and creditors, and called the debtors Labor, and the creditors Management.

12 And God said, "Let Labor forever strive to satisfy Management, that both may know their proper place under the Heavens." 13 And it was so. And God had pleasure.

14 And there was morning and evening, a day.

15 On the fourth day, God said, "Let there be currency, that man might have standard prices and measures for exchange, according to the cost of production and distribution." 16 And there was currency. 17 And God said, "Let currency be established throughout the whole earth, to facilitate trade between the nations, and let currency be as changeable as the clouds, 18 that man might know inflation and deflation," and it was so. 19 And God saw that currency and trade were good, and there was morning and evening.

20 On the fifth day, God said, "Let us make the corporation in our image: powerful, immortal, and unaccountable, and let us give it dominion over all the lands of the earth, and over the seas, and over the air, and the creatures that move through these, and over all the men who compose them. 21 Let each bear subsidiaries according to its kind, that the world might know that we are God." 22 And He created them, service and manufacturing He created them.

23 And God blessed them, and said unto them, "Be fruitful, and multiply, and rape the earth, and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and the fowl of the air, and over every thing that moves upon the earth."

24 And God said to the corporations, "Behold, I have given you the genomes for every living herb which bears seed, and every creature which moves, that you might patent and recombine them in service of the Market." And it was so.

25 And there were morning and evening, and God beheld everything that He had made, and lo, it was very good. 26 And there were morning, and evening, a day, and on the sixth day God rested from his work which He had made, 27 and God blessed the sixth day, and sanctified it, for in that day He rested from his labors.

Chad 7:26-29 (STRIV)

2004-12-10T05:21:00.000-06:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

26 And Jesus said unto the Pharisees, "The Father hath not revealed His will to me in this way before. 27 What are your thoughts on women caught in the act of adultery? 28 Stoning seems not to be serving as much of a deterrent, n'est pas?"

29 And the Pharisees proposed a Three-Strikes law, and Jesus saw that they were righteous, and he studied with them forty days and nights in the desert before returning to Galilee.

Bushes 6:16-7:4 (STRIV)

2004-12-07T11:28:00.000-06:00

All quotations are from the Standard-Text Revised International Version (STRIV), unless otherwise noted.

¹⁶ Georgeherbert and Barbara conceived, and bore Georgewalker, Neil, and Jeb. ¹⁷ And Georgewalker took to himself a wife, Laura, and lay with her, and Laura conceived Jenna and Barbara. ¹⁸ These are the generations of Georgewalker.

¹⁹ The LORD was with Georgewalker, and caused him to prosper, according to the blessings of his father, as was the will of the LORD. ²⁰ And it came to pass in the time of Georgeherbert that the LORD sent Georgewalker into battle against Ann, ²¹ who was then the queen of Texas, but the people were turned against Ann by the strivings and whisperings of Karl, ²² who told the people and their priests that Ann was a drunkard and a whore, and that she lay with women (which in those times was considered an abomination), and that the LORD would not cause her to prosper. ²³ And Karl went up with an army of corporations and defeated Ann, and enslaved her children, and slaughtered her livestock, such that the hills of Austin were red with blood, ²⁴ which is why the land there is red to this day.

[7] ¹ And the corporations which had fought alongside Karl did prosper, and begat subsidiaries numerous as the stars, and a third of the water turned to sludge, and a third of the stars vanished from Heaven, ² and a third of the animals died, and God further punished the defeated peoples of Texas by sending plagues of asthma and cancer upon them. ³ And the LORD was pleased with Georgewalker, and again sent him into battle against Algore, and Georgewalker took all the lands of America for the LORD, and GOD blessed Georgewalker with great wealth, ⁴ and Georgewalker took for himself a second wife, Condoleeza, and many servants.